If you’re following this blog, you know I’m participating in the ‘30 Days of Truth‘ project I’ve seen on other blogs. It’s helping me commit to posting every single day, since I’m also taking part in The Daily Post project.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
I hope I never lose her. She probably doesn’t even know how much it happens, but I often find myself briefly lost in some horrible daydream that something terrible has or is or will be happening to her. So, you see, I don’t mean ‘lose her’ as in leave her or her leave me. I mean lose her, the way a painter sometimes loses a painting. The way you lose your thought when you’re hit in the face with a blast of unexpected wind that almost knocks you back. There, and then…gone. And you can’t get that moment back, no matter how hard you might try.
Some things you just can’t fight…
I love her. I can’t even stand the thought that something terrible might ever happen to take her out of my arms, out of my eyes, forever. And then I think ‘what if something happened and she was in the hospital’? And I think about our particular situation, being unmarried in a country that will not allow us to express our bond through a promise. Would I be denied – “immediate family only” ? Would some unknown and heretofore unseen “family” member swoop in and dictate important decisions? Would she be stolen from me twice?
It’s these thoughts that shake me, though thankfully they are fleeting… I am naturally a loner, and prone to much happiness without the constraints of interpersonal relationships or close proximity with others, save a few dear and close compatriots (you know who you are). But the thought of not having her – we are so intricately intertwined – terrifies me.
Are these things that could happen? I think back to when my mom had a cerebral hemorrhage. In the middle of the night, like the *snap* of a finger – worlds shattered, no rhyme or reason, the night holding no condolence…nothing but emptiness and fear, and numbness, and terror. Could it be? It is perhaps this I am now most afraid of.
I hope I never have to find out.