30 Days – Day 6 – Something I Hope I Never Have To Do

If you’re following this blog, you know I’m participating in the ‘30 Days of Truth‘ project I’ve seen on other blogs.  It’s helping me commit to posting every single day, since I’m also taking part in The Daily Post project.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never lose her.  She probably doesn’t even know how much it happens, but I often find myself briefly lost in some horrible daydream that something terrible has or is or will be happening to her.  So, you see, I don’t mean ‘lose her’ as in leave her or her leave me.  I mean lose her, the way a painter sometimes loses a painting.  The way you lose your thought when you’re hit in the face with a blast of unexpected wind that almost knocks you back.  There, and then…gone.  And you can’t get that moment back, no matter how hard you might try.

Some things you just can’t fight…

I love her.  I can’t even stand the thought that something terrible might ever happen to take her out of my arms, out of my eyes, forever.  And then I think ‘what if something happened and she was in the hospital’?  And I think about our particular situation, being unmarried in a country that will not allow us to express our bond through a promise.  Would I be denied – “immediate family only” ?  Would some unknown and heretofore unseen “family” member swoop in and dictate important decisions?  Would she be stolen from me twice?

It’s these thoughts that shake me, though thankfully they are fleeting… I am naturally a loner, and prone to much happiness without the constraints of interpersonal relationships or close proximity with others, save a few dear and close compatriots (you know who you are).  But the thought of not having her – we are so intricately intertwined – terrifies me.

Are these things that could happen?  I think back to when my mom had a cerebral hemorrhage.  In the middle of the night, like the *snap* of a finger – worlds shattered, no rhyme or reason, the night holding no condolence…nothing but emptiness and fear, and numbness, and terror.  Could it be?  It is perhaps this I am now most afraid of.

I hope I never have to find out.

2 thoughts on “30 Days – Day 6 – Something I Hope I Never Have To Do

  1. I worry about some of that stuff too. Like when I wave or kiss the AH goodbye in the morning I sometimes have to stifle the urge to say “come back” just to get another for fear it will be my last.

    However, I am nor will probably never be faced with a very valid fear you have. The fear that I will be denied access or the right to speak for my loved one during a crisis because you are not allowed to publicly, legally vow to each other in marriage. A bond that I now realize that I have taken for granted.

    I hope you never have to find out as well.

  2. Thanks, AW. Hopefully this country will change so that I don’t have to worry about at least that part. There are places where I wouldn’t have to, but at least for right now, I don’t live in one of those places.

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