I haven’t had the willpower to blog much in the past couple of months…there has been so much going on – and I don’t use that term generically, at all – I couldn’t even begin to relay it all to you here.
So maybe I will, in some retrospective blogging. For now, I’ll just jump to the present. I’m having an extremely difficult time concentrating on anything today.
April was a very difficult month for me. May was much better. June seems to be a relative mixture. It started out okay, but the past several days have been a little trying. Not sure how to put it in a “pretty” perspective, so I’ll just blurt it out (in keeping with the ‘present tense’ theme) – I have some mental health issues that are beginning to become a very visceral part of my life, and I’m at the point where I need to do something about them. Well, something more than what I’ve attempted thus far.
One of my “issues” (I dislike that catch-all terminology, but don’t have anything better this morning) is that I seem unable to complete things (like blogging) for more than a short burst of time (see my January – March postings in this blog’s lifecycle), without going on to another project. I seem unable to reconcile all the parts of myself, as just one example, to only one all-encompassing blog. I have a multitude of blogs “registered” on WordPress, although it’s only this one I’m really using. Well, that’s not true. I have another blog geared only toward my mental health journey, also on WP, but registered under its own credentials (as opposed to ‘undeniablymaybe’). I don’t think I’ll disclose that url just yet…
That’s part of the problem. I don’t know if I’ll keep this blog, that one, or abandon it all (yet again, as so many times in the past). I even started a tentative new one yesterday (not on WP) – my word, this is getting out of hand.
For years, my friends have poked fun at me for my supposed inability to keep the same phone number, email address, etc. for more than a few months’ time. (I’ve had my current cell number for over a year, I think – victory! ha) What they never understood (mostly because I never acknowledged it, let alone shared it with anyone) was that it was something beyond my scope of control. Some sort of compulsion, I guess…with each new chapter of my life, or each new (rapidly shifting) change of course for my lifepath or grandiose new idea (!), I apparently have a deep need to encapsulate that with some sort of cyber-branding. A snazzy new email address to match the “new” me! Perhaps a new blog to show everyone “what it’s all about!” A new number – well, that was usually me just changing carriers, either because my bill got out of hand and I had little other option, or because I hastily changed to a) get a coveted phone, b) “start fresh” with a new provider, or c) some twisted mix of all of the above.
This is but scratching the proverbial surface, dear reader(s). Perhaps more will come… shall I stay here and press on?
Just to give you perspective about the wild instability of a) my mind, and thus b) my life, here’s a fancy-schmancy little rundown of the general Awesome!™ ideas I’ve had in say, the past two weeks:
- Move back to Oklahoma
- Move back to my hometown or another small town in Oklahoma, specifically
- Move to New Mexico
- Legally change my name to something “Native American” (actually, I wasn’t being too stupid about this, I was at least going to use some Choctaw names/words – my natural family has Choctaw roots in there somewhere)
- Legally change my name to something else not Native-inspired
- To start smoking again or to not start smoking again (don’t really want to, but been craving the act of smoking lately, probably as some anxiety-release)
- Deciding to live in a total state of positivity at all times (actually worked for a blissful week)
- Deciding I no longer want to use curse/swear words (still a noble idea I may indeed work on, although yesterday on the drive home from work I had some weird compulsive urge to repeatedly say/shout things like “F*#kers! F*#k! Motherf*#ker!” – that was a new one)
- Move to the desert or somewhere really remote and live in a yurt or something similar (I think a lot about moving, but this is nothing new. I’ve literally spent the bulk of a day’s minutes consumed with these thoughts, to the point of total exhaustion.)
I guess that’s the gist of it. By the way, when I say “ideas I’ve had” I don’t mean just passing nonsense whilst staring out the classroom window type of daydreaming, I mean putting some actual energy and hours into the consideration and planning it would take to actually go through with these things. Is that enough to possibly illustrate the fabulous complexity of my life? “LOL” I’m not trying to play the world’s smallest violin here, I promise. I guess I just needed to get that out, and although it makes me a teensy bit squeamish to do it here (as some people who know me IRL read this), whatever. I’m tired of living behind the stigma people put on mental health issues. Mind you, I’m not going to broadcast them via a flashy slogan’d tee-shirt or anything, but it is what it is. Like my penchant for chocolate and foreign films, it’s simply another part of what makes me…’me.’
That said, it’s also really fucking intrusive to my life. (Whoops! $1 in the swear jar! Hmmm…no, I don’t have the money for that, nevermind…) Basically, I stopped blogging a couple of months ago when I pretty much had an intense meltdown, or what I like to call a little “psychotic break.” Some people around me may not have noticed much, for example at work – but that’s probably because I did my absolute darndest to avoid being around anyone for more than oh, 5 minutes at a stretch.
Blah…so there you have it. More Than You Ever Wanted To Know!™ Brought to you by undeniablymaybe. Suh-weet. Actually, maybe not, since you read this blog. You must be idling away the hours minutes seconds of your day here for something.
Shall I go on?