When the Scheiße Hits the Fan, You’ll Want to Be Wearing Your Raincoat

 

I haven’t had the willpower to blog much in the past couple of months…there has been so much going on – and I don’t use that term generically, at all – I couldn’t even begin to relay it all to you here. 

So maybe I will, in some retrospective blogging.  For now, I’ll just jump to the present.  I’m having an extremely difficult time concentrating on anything today. 

April was a very difficult month for me.  May was much better.  June seems to be a relative mixture.  It started out okay, but the past several days have been a little trying.  Not sure how to put it in a “pretty” perspective, so I’ll just blurt it out (in keeping with the ‘present tense’ theme) – I have some mental health issues that are beginning to become a very visceral part of my life, and I’m at the point where I need to do something about them.  Well, something more than what I’ve attempted thus far. 

One of my “issues” (I dislike that catch-all terminology, but don’t have anything better this morning) is that I seem unable to complete things (like blogging) for more than a short burst of time (see my January – March postings in this blog’s lifecycle), without going on to another project.  I seem unable to reconcile all the parts of myself, as just one example, to only one all-encompassing blog.  I have a multitude of blogs “registered” on WordPress, although it’s only this one I’m really using.  Well, that’s not true.  I have another blog geared only toward my mental health journey, also on WP, but registered under its own credentials (as opposed to ‘undeniablymaybe’).  I don’t think I’ll disclose that url just yet…

That’s part of the problem.  I don’t know if I’ll keep this blog, that one, or abandon it all (yet again, as so many times in the past).  I even started a tentative new one yesterday (not on WP) – my word, this is getting out of hand. 

*sigh*

For years, my friends have poked fun at me for my supposed inability to keep the same phone number, email address, etc. for more than a few months’ time.  (I’ve had my current cell number for over a year, I think – victory! ha)  What they never understood (mostly because I never acknowledged it, let alone shared it with anyone) was that it was something beyond my scope of control.  Some sort of compulsion, I guess…with each new chapter of my life, or each new (rapidly shifting) change of course for my lifepath or grandiose new idea (!), I apparently have a deep need to encapsulate that with some sort of cyber-branding.  A snazzy new email address to match the “new” me!  Perhaps a new blog to show everyone “what it’s all about!”  A new number – well, that was usually me just changing carriers, either because my bill got out of hand and I had little other option, or because I hastily changed to a) get a coveted phone, b) “start fresh” with a new provider, or c) some twisted mix of all of the above. 

*sigh, redux*

This is but scratching the proverbial surface, dear reader(s).  Perhaps more will come… shall I stay here and press on? 

Just to give you perspective about the wild instability of a) my mind, and thus b) my life, here’s a fancy-schmancy little rundown of the general Awesome!™ ideas I’ve had in say, the past two weeks:

  • Move back to Oklahoma
  • Move back to my hometown or another small town in Oklahoma, specifically
  • Move to New Mexico
  • Legally change my name to something “Native American” (actually, I wasn’t being too stupid about this, I was at least going to use some Choctaw names/words – my natural family has Choctaw roots in there somewhere)
  • Legally change my name to something else not Native-inspired
  • To start smoking again or to not start smoking again (don’t really want to, but been craving the act of smoking lately, probably as some anxiety-release)
  • Deciding to live in a total state of positivity at all times (actually worked for a blissful week)
  • Deciding I no longer want to use curse/swear words (still a noble idea I may indeed work on, although yesterday on the drive home from work I had some weird compulsive urge to repeatedly say/shout things like “F*#kers! F*#k! Motherf*#ker!” – that was a new one)
  • Move to the desert or somewhere really remote and live in a yurt or something similar (I think a lot about moving, but this is nothing new.  I’ve literally spent the bulk of a day’s minutes consumed with these thoughts, to the point of total exhaustion.) 

I guess that’s the gist of it.  By the way, when I say “ideas I’ve had” I don’t mean just passing nonsense whilst staring out the classroom window type of daydreaming, I mean putting some actual energy and hours into the consideration and planning it would take to actually go through with these things.  Is that enough to possibly illustrate the fabulous complexity of my life?  “LOL”  I’m not trying to play the world’s smallest violin here, I promise.  I guess I just needed to get that out, and although it makes me a teensy bit squeamish to do it here (as some people who know me IRL read this), whatever.  I’m tired of living behind the stigma people put on mental health issues.  Mind you, I’m not going to broadcast them via a flashy slogan’d tee-shirt or anything, but it is what it is.  Like my penchant for chocolate and foreign films, it’s simply another part of what makes me…’me.’ 

That said, it’s also really fucking intrusive to my life.  (Whoops!  $1 in the swear jar!  Hmmm…no, I don’t have the money for that, nevermind…)  Basically, I stopped blogging a couple of months ago when I pretty much had an intense meltdown, or what I like to call a little “psychotic break.”  Some people around me may not have noticed much, for example at work – but that’s probably because I did my absolute darndest to avoid being around anyone for more than oh, 5 minutes at a stretch. 

Blah…so there you have it.  More Than You Ever Wanted To Know!™  Brought to you by undeniablymaybe.  Suh-weet.  Actually, maybe not, since you read this blog.  You must be idling away the hours minutes seconds of your day here for something.

Shall I go on?

Incidentally, this is probably always good advice to heed. Just sayin'...

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Exposing Myself to Strangers On the Bus

Sorry for the overtly provocative title – I couldn’t help myself.  😉 It’s honestly the first thing that came to mind earlier this week on the last stretch of my morning commute.

In addition to the briefcase containing my work laptop, etc., I carry an extra canvas tote with a couple of books, magazines and periodicals, etc.  I have a decent-length commute, so I like to have ample reading material on hand.  Well, I just happen to have been carrying a couple of print copies of The Atheist Voice, the newsletter published by the Metroplex Atheists.

Just enough of the newsletter was sticking up in the bag for the title to be clearly visible.  Little did I know, I had a copy wedged into opposite sides of the bag’s interior, so the same was true no matter which way the bag was turned.  I was busy reading a newspaper (disclosure: it was a copy of Freethought Today, published by FFRF).  I happened to notice the exposed newsletter, and while I hadn’t deliberately placed the papers that way, I suspected a couple of held glances at my bag.  I let my eyes skip up from my reading, just to try and catch someone looking, and watch for their reaction, if there was any.

Well, not quite.  I’m not even 100% sure anyone really noticed it, but I had the very distinct feeling a man did, then later a woman (who also works in my office, it turns out) did.  There really was no discernible reaction, but it felt like an odd little rush.  It reminded me of when I used to ride the train or bus and read my copy of ‘The Lucifer Principle‘ by Howard K. Bloom.  It actually has nothing to do with the “Lucifer” of Christian mythology, but I always chuckled a bit on the inside wondering if the other commuters were intrigued, scandalized, or otherwise.  What can I say, I guess I enjoy a wee bit of high dudgeon – given or received – from time to time.

I have no shame in my position or loss of faith.  (Tangent alert!) It doesn’t feel quite right to even say ‘loss of faith’ since I never really had much to begin with.  But, I digress.  I have no shame about what I feel and believe (and thus, don’t believe), but I’m still getting past the stigma the word ‘atheist’ has attached to it  (see my “Coming Out” post).

This oh-so-mild form of exposure to outsiders and strangers felt a tad bit taboo, forbidden, and yet… exhilarating, and right.  It felt good to let go of some societal baggage, and to let others know that we’re out here.  I wondered what the woman who works in my office thought.  I don’t really know her, but we share a walk from the bus into the office each morning in the pre-dawn dark, and we’ve made the usual forced small talk.  I wondered if she might think I’m a nice guy, and what (if anything) this new revelation might do to that impression, if it exists at all.

Since then, I’ve been somewhat shocked and pleasantly surprised to find out several friends and acquaintances are non-believers of some ilk.  My, my, we are indeed out here, aren’t we?

Click to visit ‘The Out Campaign’

30 Days – Day 5 – Something I Hope to Do In My Life

If you’re following this blog, you know I’m participating in the ‘30 Days of Truth‘ project I’ve seen on other blogs.  It’s helping me commit to posting every single day, since I’m also taking part in The Daily Post project.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Man On a Blue World by Alexandra Huber

I want to continually learn and evolve.  Wait, is that too abstract?  Most people would probably say ‘write the a “Great American Novel,” see the world, get rich, find true love, or something else along those lines.  All worthy aspirations, I’m sure.  But maybe, just maybe we can do those things, and/or something so much more, by always striving to learn and open ourselves to new information and experiences.

I want to dream of great things, of a world where dreams are real.  I want to leave a mark, even if it’s only on one person’s heart.  Even if I never even know it.

Even if it never even seems to matter.  Maybe that’s the best thing I can hope to do after all.

But…if I absolutely had to pick something completely non-abstract, just to nail something down…I want to live in the desert, and take photographs, and count the stars, and fill journals-worth of space with words, and dreams, and memories.

What do you want do with in your life?  Write it down anonymously and let it go…leave it somewhere, throw it out, whatever.  Work to make it come true…and maybe someday someone will find what you wrote, and find their own dream.

30 Days – Day 2 – Something I Love About Myself

If you’re following this blog, you know I’m participating in the ‘30 Days of Truth‘ project I’ve seen on other blogs.  It’s helping me commit to posting every single day, since I’m also taking part in The Daily Post project. 

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

This seems like a logical follow-up to the hardcore introduction to the 30DOT challenge.  There are many things I love about myself.  Rather than just one; I’ll make a list.

  • I love my appreciation of music, to the degree that I consider it almost an extension of my personality. – I love the experience of music, the relationship I can have with it.
  • I love my natural artistic abilities. – Art is a way to both find and free the self.  Even if I don’t have a real reason for painting something, it surely tells a story to someone, somewhere.
  • I love my desire to correctly use the English language. – Language is something to be savored, devoured, spit out, reveled in. 
  • I love that sometimes I deliberately travel the humorous and well-worn territory of colloquialism, country talk, white-boy Ebonics,  LOL-speak, and however else I choose to express myself at any given moment.
  • I love that I can find beauty and happiness in the smallest, quietest details. – Being happy is a choice.  It doesn’t mean a perfect life, a huge bank account, etc.  It means choosing not to let the circumstances define you.
  • I love that I am decidedly outside the normal…outside the mundane, the traditional, the conventional, the typical.
  • I love my rabid thirst for knowledge and information.
  • I love that I am adaptable, almost to a fault.  Actually, this one could be seen by some to be a less desirable trait.  I don’t know if it comes from loss, but for years I’ve been able to just walk away from something.  I may freak out when truly bad tidings come knocking, and feel beat down, but usually pretty quickly I get that out of my system and get on with it.  I lost both my parents in my 20s, and my world turned itself inside out.  I guess after that, nothing else is as extreme. 

'Unique Forms of Continuity in Space' by Umberto Boccioni, 1913

“He is his own best friend, and takes delight in privacy whereas the man of no virtue or ability is his own worst enemy and is afraid of solitude.” – Aristotle

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A Sorta Fairytale

Welcome.  I am born now.  Reborn, actually.  Back to a real, actual “blog.”  I haven’t done this in years, though I’d think it fair to say I used to do it quite well, back in the day.  Xanga days.  Old skool, when social networking meant writing something pithy or cleverly laborious, and checking 50 thousand times a day to ensure all your blogroll friends commented or gave you “props.”

But, this go-round (I’ve tried this before in recent years, to little success) I have someone in particular to thank for the inspiration to dust this blogging thing off again: theagnosticswife.  Her inspiration was further driven home by another recent blog discovery: The Gaytheist Agenda.  Trend(s) here? Man, I’m talking old skool like:

Now, before anyone out there gets their knickers in a twist that it wasn’t their blog that inspired me so, it’s not even that kind of party, kids.  There are lots of blogs out there that I read and enjoy, by people I admire and respect.  Chalk it up to whatever, but the time has finally come for me to try this out again.  I hope you’ll enjoy the ride.  I have no idea where it will go, but let’s take it together.

Two lines from a song I’m listening to just struck me as I typed the previous paragraph:

“Pluck up the courage and snap, it’s gone again…” and  “Can’t someone help me, I think that I’m lost here.  Lost in a place called…America.”

Now enjoying:


Tori Amos – A Sorta Fairytale, from Scarlet’s Walk.