When the Scheiße Hits the Fan, You’ll Want to Be Wearing Your Raincoat

 

I haven’t had the willpower to blog much in the past couple of months…there has been so much going on – and I don’t use that term generically, at all – I couldn’t even begin to relay it all to you here. 

So maybe I will, in some retrospective blogging.  For now, I’ll just jump to the present.  I’m having an extremely difficult time concentrating on anything today. 

April was a very difficult month for me.  May was much better.  June seems to be a relative mixture.  It started out okay, but the past several days have been a little trying.  Not sure how to put it in a “pretty” perspective, so I’ll just blurt it out (in keeping with the ‘present tense’ theme) – I have some mental health issues that are beginning to become a very visceral part of my life, and I’m at the point where I need to do something about them.  Well, something more than what I’ve attempted thus far. 

One of my “issues” (I dislike that catch-all terminology, but don’t have anything better this morning) is that I seem unable to complete things (like blogging) for more than a short burst of time (see my January – March postings in this blog’s lifecycle), without going on to another project.  I seem unable to reconcile all the parts of myself, as just one example, to only one all-encompassing blog.  I have a multitude of blogs “registered” on WordPress, although it’s only this one I’m really using.  Well, that’s not true.  I have another blog geared only toward my mental health journey, also on WP, but registered under its own credentials (as opposed to ‘undeniablymaybe’).  I don’t think I’ll disclose that url just yet…

That’s part of the problem.  I don’t know if I’ll keep this blog, that one, or abandon it all (yet again, as so many times in the past).  I even started a tentative new one yesterday (not on WP) – my word, this is getting out of hand. 

*sigh*

For years, my friends have poked fun at me for my supposed inability to keep the same phone number, email address, etc. for more than a few months’ time.  (I’ve had my current cell number for over a year, I think – victory! ha)  What they never understood (mostly because I never acknowledged it, let alone shared it with anyone) was that it was something beyond my scope of control.  Some sort of compulsion, I guess…with each new chapter of my life, or each new (rapidly shifting) change of course for my lifepath or grandiose new idea (!), I apparently have a deep need to encapsulate that with some sort of cyber-branding.  A snazzy new email address to match the “new” me!  Perhaps a new blog to show everyone “what it’s all about!”  A new number – well, that was usually me just changing carriers, either because my bill got out of hand and I had little other option, or because I hastily changed to a) get a coveted phone, b) “start fresh” with a new provider, or c) some twisted mix of all of the above. 

*sigh, redux*

This is but scratching the proverbial surface, dear reader(s).  Perhaps more will come… shall I stay here and press on? 

Just to give you perspective about the wild instability of a) my mind, and thus b) my life, here’s a fancy-schmancy little rundown of the general Awesome!™ ideas I’ve had in say, the past two weeks:

  • Move back to Oklahoma
  • Move back to my hometown or another small town in Oklahoma, specifically
  • Move to New Mexico
  • Legally change my name to something “Native American” (actually, I wasn’t being too stupid about this, I was at least going to use some Choctaw names/words – my natural family has Choctaw roots in there somewhere)
  • Legally change my name to something else not Native-inspired
  • To start smoking again or to not start smoking again (don’t really want to, but been craving the act of smoking lately, probably as some anxiety-release)
  • Deciding to live in a total state of positivity at all times (actually worked for a blissful week)
  • Deciding I no longer want to use curse/swear words (still a noble idea I may indeed work on, although yesterday on the drive home from work I had some weird compulsive urge to repeatedly say/shout things like “F*#kers! F*#k! Motherf*#ker!” – that was a new one)
  • Move to the desert or somewhere really remote and live in a yurt or something similar (I think a lot about moving, but this is nothing new.  I’ve literally spent the bulk of a day’s minutes consumed with these thoughts, to the point of total exhaustion.) 

I guess that’s the gist of it.  By the way, when I say “ideas I’ve had” I don’t mean just passing nonsense whilst staring out the classroom window type of daydreaming, I mean putting some actual energy and hours into the consideration and planning it would take to actually go through with these things.  Is that enough to possibly illustrate the fabulous complexity of my life?  “LOL”  I’m not trying to play the world’s smallest violin here, I promise.  I guess I just needed to get that out, and although it makes me a teensy bit squeamish to do it here (as some people who know me IRL read this), whatever.  I’m tired of living behind the stigma people put on mental health issues.  Mind you, I’m not going to broadcast them via a flashy slogan’d tee-shirt or anything, but it is what it is.  Like my penchant for chocolate and foreign films, it’s simply another part of what makes me…’me.’ 

That said, it’s also really fucking intrusive to my life.  (Whoops!  $1 in the swear jar!  Hmmm…no, I don’t have the money for that, nevermind…)  Basically, I stopped blogging a couple of months ago when I pretty much had an intense meltdown, or what I like to call a little “psychotic break.”  Some people around me may not have noticed much, for example at work – but that’s probably because I did my absolute darndest to avoid being around anyone for more than oh, 5 minutes at a stretch. 

Blah…so there you have it.  More Than You Ever Wanted To Know!™  Brought to you by undeniablymaybe.  Suh-weet.  Actually, maybe not, since you read this blog.  You must be idling away the hours minutes seconds of your day here for something.

Shall I go on?

Incidentally, this is probably always good advice to heed. Just sayin'...

Help Japan

In case you somehow haven’t yet heard, a devastating 8.9/9.0 magnitude earthquake hit the Pacific Ocean near Northeastern Japan at around 2:46pm on March 11 (JST) causing damage with blackouts, fire and tsunami.  The death toll may stand at more than 10,000.

In the days since the quake, Japan has reeled from fires at a nuclear power plant, only adding to the chaos and confusion.  There are various ways you can help, and no way is too small.  For starters, if you have a blog or Facebook page, why not spread the word about ways others can help?

You can text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross.  It simply gets added to your phone bill. 

Alternately, you can text JAPAN to 50555 to donate $10 to GlobalGiving

Yahoo! News – Japan earthquake and tsunami – how to help

Google Japan Crisis Response page

List of secular charities helping the Japan relief effort

Things Could Always Be Worse

In the midst of my somewhat stressful workdays, and everything else that comes along with grown-up life, I would like to simply take a moment to remind myself (and maybe others) that the things we put importance on may, in fact, not be actual “problems,” and that all said and done, we probably have it pretty damned good.

I apologize if some of these images offend; they are meant to provoke thought, to shake out of the mundane trappings of stupid, superficial “life.”  Remember why today was good for you, if it was.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

30 Days – Day 10 – Someone I Need to Let Go

If you’re following this blog, you know I’m participating in the ‘30 Days of Truth‘ project I’ve seen on other blogs.  It’s helping me commit to posting every single day, since I’m also taking part in The Daily Post project.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Luckily, I’m at a place in my life currently where I don’t have any dead weight in the friendship category.  I have a smaller circle of intimates here in my early 30s than I did around 18 or 21, etc.  And that suits me just fine.  I have also cut out unnecessary drama, as many my age have.  So I don’t have anyone making me miserable.

That said, there is always room to grow; to move forward.  Living in the past is a waste of time.  We would all do well to keep the past fresh in memory, and learn from the mistakes contained therein.  However, if we are spinning our wheels in yesterday, we cannot see today or hope to see tomorrow.

I must continue to excise negativity from my view, and my life.  This could include acquaintances, social networking “friends,” and so forth.  I can be negative with the best of them.  However, it’s usually bitching about something in my life I’m unsettled with, as opposed to one of my biggest pet peeves: people who constantly bemoan their lot in life, but refuse to actively do anything to change it.  Those who fall into this category will not find any sympathy from me.

“There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.”  – Franklin D. Roosevelt

I Almost Found a Dead Body Today…Sort Of

Stock image - but very similar to this

I drove by last night, about 7:30pm, venturing out in the barely double digit temperatures to brave the ice-pocked streets for dinner.  We had failed to get groceries before the ice storm hit.  Luckily, there were very few cars downtown.

On South Akard Street, in my neighborhood, I drove past a not-unfamiliar site – a homeless person asleep in the doorway of an abandoned business.  The small, single-story vacant brick building regularly houses the remnants of people seeking shelter in its cozy confines.  Well, the doorway at least.

I noticed a big pile of blankets, obviously covering a human figure head to toe.  Mind you, again, the temperatures at that point were in the teens.  I thought to myself, how terrible, to endure this for hours on end through the night.  The days are hardly better this week.  But, as I said earlier, in this part of town, it’s all too familiar.

Early this morning, I had to step out for a bit once more to run down the street.  This was about 6:30.  I wasn’t about to make the commute to the office, with the city suffering under rolling blackouts and just as much ice as before.  As I drove past the building, the figure was still there.  Noting the time, I assumed the person had slept there throughout the night, and I hoped they were sheltered from the admittedly sparse breeze.

Here’s the kicker.  After I finished working at home, I decided to make the trek to Oak Lawn for some dinner items and a couple of staples for tomorrow.  This was about 4:30pm.  There, just as motionless as before, lay the figure covered in mounds of blankets, next to a large suitcase.  I thought, ‘surely not…’ ‘That must be someone’s stuff.’  And I feared the worst – that the person lying under those blankets had possibly frozen to death as the mercury plummeted to 7 degrees Fahrenheit overnight.

This thought bothered me all the way to Kroger and back.  I felt, in good conscience, I had to stop and check on this person, to see if the worst was true, or if I was only imagining things.

I pulled into an icy spot next to the curb, just off the main street, where I parked.  Sliding out of the driver’s seat and onto a thick patch of ice, I shuffled my way onto the curb and up the sidewalk, muttering to myself that it was surely just someone’s abandoned possessions.  As I made my way along the sidewalk, I very quickly came upon debris strewn from the doorway toward the street – old food packages and plastic bottles, some unknown individual’s old Christmas family photo, and so forth.

I came upon the figure, and hovered for just a split second over the pale blue woolen blanket – one of those with the satin ribbon along the top edge.  I must have stepped on the ice, becuase when it gave a cracking sound, the lumpy blanketed figure emerged, eager to find the source of this sound so close to him.

I quickly turned and walked the other direction, and gave a glance as if I’d only been passing.  He was a white man, maybe in his 30s, with reddish blonde hair and beard.  He covered up and went back on about his business, whatever it was.

I felt relieved, as I’d already played out the ensuing 911 call and anonymous “tip,” and so forth.  But, as I drove away back to my safe, spacious, warm loft, I felt bad, and thought I should have asked him if he was okay, would like to go to a shelter, or if he’d eaten.  My only consolation to myself was that I’d thought to stop at all.  Most people would be all too happy to avoid ever having to talk to “one of those people.”

From an article about the current “super freeze.”

A Dallas Police Crisis Intervention worker found two homeless people under ice-covered blankets, leaves and trash in a wooded area in south Dallas Wednesday morning, said Ron Cowart, manager of the unit. One had ice crystals in her hair. He convinced them to go to a shelter.

Unrest In Egypt – What’s Your Take?

I found this interesting photo on a friend’s Facebook feed today.  Honestly, I haven’t been keeping up with major news as much in the past few weeks, so I’m still catching up on the details of the situation in Egypt, as they unfold.  What’s your take on everything?  The message in the photo is overtly provocative, which is why it’s an interesting photo that’s probably going viral as we speak, and will be tomorrow’s internet meme phenomenon.   What does it make you think or feel?

If you too are needing to catch up, go here.